BIG TIPS

Go have fun, get involved, and dates will appear

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Dear Big Tipper,

I think I just need to vent a little bit. I am gay. That's a good place to start, right? I think that I have always been gay, but I got married anyway. I was married for 22 years, and happy for maybe two of those years.

I have three boys that I love very much, and I have always been happy with them. Now there is a woman in my life. You might think things would be better, except that I never see her. She is a wonderful person. and I will always think good things about her. She is very set in her ways, though.

She goes straight home from work, lays on her couch, and watches TV. I might see her twice a month, and that seems to be fine with her. I am finding that I don't want to settle for less than what

I want in my life.

I would love to find someone who didn't

mind the fact that I have kids, someone who thinks about me dur-

ing times that we aren't together, and who wants to spend time with me and the kids and with me alone. Someone who wants to come out and play. Ride bikes, take walks, camp, sit around fires, laugh, take rides with the music turned up. Life has so much to offer. I don't want to watch it slip away. Maybe I am just looking for a little hope.

So, I am wondering, do women date? Do they fall head over heels in love with one another? Even if they are both in their 40s, can that happen? I want to think that it can happen.

people will want to be with you. Start a lesbian book group. Any kind of group. Cast a wide net. You're never too old, and there are definitely women out there who want someone who loves people, and life, and knows what she wants. Good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

Last night I had a fight with my boyfriend. It wasn't that big of a deal, but we were both in bad moods to start out, so even though we kept trying to snap out of it, we kept getting back into it. I used to hate it

when we fought, but now it just feels like we're blowing off a little steam, and as long as it doesn't happen that of ten, and neither one of us is really cruel, I'm not worried.

O

BIG TIPS

Are there people like what I am looking for out there? How do I find them? I have tried the ads a couple of times and it just didn't work very well. I can't spend my life on the computer talking to people, but never meeting them. If I never find anyone to grow old with, I'll just have to live with that.

At the very least, I would love to meet some other gay women who would just be friends. Life is not much fun when there is work, and then the weekend comes along and there is nothing to do, and then before you know it, it's Monday again. Don't get me wrong, I do have fun with my kids, but I need my own friends too. Thanks.

Ready and Waiting

Dear Waiting for Dating,

Okay, here's the story. You have to be a person you'd want to date to get a date with someone you want to date. You're doing a great job: Not with the husband anymore? Good. (A lot of women, surprisingly, won't -ask you out if you're still married.) You've tried ads, found pals online, and are dating someone? Great. You're making contact with folks and building up a support network. You love your kids and enjoy their company? Fabulous: your love works.

Now, go have fun, and people will want to have fun with you. I've had my best luck meeting people out in the world: through other friends, and through volunteering. See if you can find single mom social or sports (think softball) groups. Some of the members might be, you know, one of us, or they may have chums who are.

Make your own fun on the weekend, and

The point of this is, at one point I realized that the reason he was being so defensive about his point was that he felt guilty about it. He was supposed to have done something, he didn't do it, he knew it and felt guilty, and now he was crabby that I was mad about it, and then he was fighting with me, if you can believe that! We're honest with each other, so I told him that. I just said you feel guilty and that's why you're fighting with me. Well, he wouldn't admit it, and it just made him madder. Don't you think the truth should be the best way?

Dear L7,

Fair and Square

Honey, truth kills. Well, theoretically, honesty is the best policy, and it is a grand ideal, and frankly just a good idea for everyday dealings ("Yes, I ate the last Girl Scout cookie"). My favorite part of the truth is that you don't have to remember any odd lie you've told, or worry about corroborating stories.

However, the time is not always right for a pointedly accurate insight, especially if it is revealing of a weakness of someone who is, or feels, trapped. Little or no resolution can be gained in that moment by making him feel like you've got him figured out, and he's the criminal. Believe me. Really.

Dear Big Tipper,

I read the letter from Both Hurting, and it kind of hit home. I would like to help if I can. Give her someone to talk to. I'm a good listener, and I can relate. If it's possible, forward my e-mail address or phone number. Thanks.

Dear There and Back,

Been There

Your offer is the nicest ever, but I can't hook up folks who write letters to the column. It's important to me that everyone I deal with stay safe, and I wouldn't be able to guarantee anything about the people to or with whom I was providing contact. Hopefully she's reading this and knows that you wish her luck. Thanks, sweetie.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone@ drizzle.com.

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